I have been accused recently of having "tough" terms and conditions in my business. I think the term used was "unrealistic". Here is the thing; personal and business terms and conditions or in other words "boundaries" are exactly that. They are clearly defined parameters set up to protect the business owner or the individual from people who are selfish and self centred.
Now I don't mean this in an ugly way or to insult anyone. We all have a self centred mindset and that's ok. We cannot always be aware of what other people's boundaries are... but when you have been informed and you still choose to push those boundaries regardless, then you are being a bully!
It seems that bullying doesn't just happen on the school grounds, it is happening all around us every day. Where did you think children learn such behaviour anyway? Monkey see monkey do... and that's a fact. So it is our responsibility as parents and as adults to set the example of healthy boundaries in our relationships both professionally and at home.
The setting of boundaries are a timeless strategy in order to protect your interests, values and personal space. Boundaries however are not set up for other people's convenience or for their comfort. It is there to ensure a peaceful co-existence. It is there to ensure you don't get "bullied" into giving in to every person's whim, who tries to make demands on your way of life.
Boundaries are a form of self respect. Think of how you feel when you say "yes" when you mean "no". How does it feel when people make important decisions without consulting you, and then expect you to simply comply? These are all good examples of why healthy boundaries should be in place, ready to be communicated and enforced, in your day to day living.
In coaching clients on a daily basis, I have noticed that few people understand the value of having clear boundaries, never mind how to enforce it. So in light of my own recent experience I feel inspired to share my insights into this helpful resource in maintaining a stable and peaceful relationship environment, both at work and at home.
1. Learn to say "no"!
One of the first things that I suggest you work on, is to say "no". For some reason this is one if the hardest things for people to do... especially when it comes to clients. There is a common belief that saying "no" to unreasonable request or demands from clients are unprofessional or even rude.
There is an underlying fear that saying "no" to demanding clients will result in conflict with the client or worse, loosing the client all together and their financial support. I always ask: "Is it worth it to compromise your boundaries and emotional wellbeing for a client like this who is really just being a bully?"
Some people are worth loosing in the end, because you are able to maintain your wellbeing and equilibrium, and it also opens space up for people who do respect your boundaries.
Whether in personal relationships or in business you need to get very clear within yourself about your personal values and ethics to understand what you are willing to compromise on and what not. Once you have a clear understanding of what is negotiable and what isn't, it will be easier for you to say "no" when the request excess the limits of your boundaries.
If you say "yes" when you mean "no", a compromise like that, leave you feeling robbed of your personal power and it has adverse effects on your wellbeing and your relationships.
Think of all the people in your life that you avoid when they call or if you see them in public places. These are people that you have made constant compromises with and you have neglected your personal boundaries.
Avoidance is a clear indication of a compromised relationship! So if you have a number of people on your internal "avoid at all cost" list, then you know that you need to work on your boundaries!
An exception to this is when you have chosen to push people outside of your circle of acceptance simply because they have repeatedly broken your boundaries and violated your trust. Even if you have forgiven them for constantly hurting you, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are welcome back in your inner circle.
2. Boundaries helps to manage expectations.
When we set clear boundaries with our personal and business relationships, it helps to manage expectations from the people we have in our lives. One of my business mottos are "under promise and over deliver!"
One of the worst things you can do is to create expectations by making promises you cannot possibly fulfil. Be very mindful of what you can deliver in any situation and you will always succeed in managing expectations this way.
One of the worst things you can do is to agree to favours or to attempt to fulfill expectations from a person that compromises your integrity. You should never put yourself on fire for the comfort of others.
So make sure what is expected from you, by asking questions and clarifying any aspects of those expectations that you feel uncomfortable with. It is always better to clarify before you begin to go down a path where you might run into trouble or worse, fail to deliver what you have promised. It is very hard to come back from a dissapointment and once you are in a position like that boundaries are usually the last thing that remain standing.
3. Boundaries helps you to steer clear of unnecessary drama and can help to resolve conflict faster.
It will always be your responsibility to clearly communicate your boundaries, especially with new people entering your life, or when you notice that someone is pushing your limitations. It is however not your responsibility how people receive and interpret this information. How people respond is their issues. You don't ever need to try and fix that too!
Once everyone is informed of your boundaries, it becomes easier to maintain a stable sense of feeling empowered. This clarity in communication is usually enough to keep your life relatively drama free. But unfortunately it is in our nature as humans to test boundaries, and if you have children you will know what I mean.
So when you find yourself in the situation where boundaries are being tested, that is the moment when you must reinforce them with clear communication.
For example a personal boundary might be not to entertain house guests on a week night. A friend shows up with a bottle of wine on your doorstep with the expectation to have a party, but it's Tuesday evening 7pm and the kids are in the bath.
The best way to enforce your boundaries will be to thank them for their unexpected visit, but to postpone it to Friday night when it is appropriate and to inform them that you prefer not to drink and socialize on a week night.
A good friend who respects your boundaries will understand and reschedule for the preferred Friday night visit. Someone who doesn't respect your boundaries will insist in coming in and opening the wine... or will continually show up on a week night unannounced.
These people need a boundary reinforcement message, and in the future a behavioral reinforcement message might be to simply not open the door. They will get the message eventually!
Again it is helpful to know how far you are willing to compromise and if you are being tested on boundaries that are not negotiable.
Do not be afraid to walk away from situations or people that test you beyond your limits. Stay true to your boundaries, and remember in those moments why you have them in the first place. Remind yourself that "no", is a full sentence. You don't have to clarify or justify your decision to anyone.
4. Reasons why people struggle with boundaries.
Everyone has a unique conflict style. Some people thrive in high conflict scenarios while others like myself prefer to be a peacemaker. For years I have really struggled with conflict and my life seemed to be filled with drama.
I've been bullied my entire high school career, and nobody ever recognised that I needed help with setting boundaries or showed me how to stand up for myself. This created a co-dependent personality type that would have me attract friends and partners (as well as clients in my early career) into my life that would make me feel safe on the one side, but would always push my boundaries to oblivion when they wanted me to fulfill their needs at a cost to myself.
My personal breakthrough came when I learned this simple trick of creating boundaries and beginning to enforce them one bit at a time. In a way it is like a small country expanding it's borders to allow for more space within itself.
The more you grow within your boundaries and hold your ground, the more space you find within your internal landscape. This brings more clarity and even more courage to enforce more boundaries that is required in order to develop a state of wellbeing and equanimity.
But this didn't happen overnight and it certainly wasn't always easy. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. But it's certainly not impossible.
The best way to work on personal boundaries is to begin with the small easy stuff. Practice with that. Soon you will see that the card house doesn't collapse when you begin by saying "no" to the easy stuff. Then you will grow in your courage to tackle the bigger stuff, and before long you will be a lighthouse of personal strength and integrity.
But I will not sugar coat it for you, there will be days when you fail. There will be people that press your wrong buttons. There will be challenges, but you should never view these as insurmountable obstacles... but rather see it as opportunity to grow and get better at setting boundaries.
5. When to compromise and when not to...
Sometimes it may be necessary to compromise in order for a situation to be resolved. The important part is not to be pushed to make compromises that you are not comfortable with. It is important therefore to know what you are willing to compromise on and which values or moral points you are absolutely not willing to compromise with.
It's usually a good thing to always ask yourself, if what you are asked to compromise on, will cause you or anyone involved any harm. If the answer is yes, then you should walk away immediatly to maintain your position.
If nobody, including yourself, is being harmed, then you must ascertain wether the compromise you are about to make will be a once-off or a repeating event... and if it will be an on-going situation, you must ask yourself if you can live with it repeating or not.
Don't be bullied into making decisions in a hurry. Taking your time to reflect on important decisions is a boundary in itself. If you can't decide right now it might be a good idea to ask for time to consider all the aspects of the decision and the consequences of the decision.
Don't feel bad to ask a friend you trust for their input and opinion. Once you have determined that you are willing to compromise or not, communicate that decision and then stand by it. Don't back off. If you keep giving in to a repeat offender, all you are doing is giving your power away, and feeling worse because of it. So once you have drawn the line in the sand be willing to stand by it. You might be pleasantly surprised on how a situation works out for the best in the end anyway.
6. Ways to communicate boundaries.
Boundaries need not be communicated aggressively or in complicated legal documents. Like I have said earlier the best way to begin is to set a clear intention to say "no" when you mean "no". This sincere expression supported by congruent behaviour will speak volumes in defining personal boundaries.
Begin with small issues with good friends and family. Communicate that you intend to work on your personal boundaries and ask your family and friends to support you by respecting your decisions during the initiation process. But I remind you that sometimes it will be up to you, to remain strong.
Get clear about your personal values as this will go a long way towards clarifying what is important for you and where or when you are willing to "go with the flow".
In business it helps to draw up boundaries by means of a terms and conditions of service delivery document that you can attach to appointment confirmation with clients, and maybe a introduction email that you can share with new clients that enter your business. Be willing to experiment a bit with this until you find a way that works for you.
Once this is drawn up I find that clients tend to be mindful and respectful of your terms and you can get back to doing what you do best.
My advice to you as I wrap this up, is to take it one day at a time. Trial an error can only make you stronger and wiser. Never be too hard on yourself. Remember that people come into your life for a reason, a season and very few for a lifetime.
So don't be scared to try a few boundaries in your life. Yes, not everyone will like it, but the ones that do are the guide posts that will show you that you too are worthy. You are allowed to be happy and you can live a life free from emotional vampires and drama queens.
So go out and live an empowered life. Set some boundaries and thrive!
If you found this blog empowering and helpful, please share it with a friend. If you want one-on-one help with creating personal boundaries in your life you can make an appointment with me for personal coaching. Simply message me to set up a session.
Gideon Busquét-Craucamp
Gideonslight Hair, Art and Soul
Saline Allure
142A Tecoma street
Wonderboom
Pretoria
By appointment only!
☎️ 0794965407
📧 gideonslight@gmail.com
